Saying you’re sorry when you don’t want to

Is there anything more difficult in a marriage than apologizing?  Even if you know you messed up big time, it is so hard to say those two little words.  And if you have doubts about your need to apologize, well then it can be almost physically painful – like pushing the words out mixed in with some pinecones, or ground glass, or porcupine quills, or….you get the drift.  I can’t figure out the evolutionary reason most of us hate to apologize.  Back when we were cave people, if we admitted wrong doing, did we get thrown out of the cave and have to fend for ourselves?  I don’t know.

This is what I do know.  Apologizing does wonderful and powerful things in a marriage or relationship.  And to the other person, it means so much and is an automatic “air-clearer.”  A good rule of thumb is: if your partner is telling you that you’ve done something to hurt their feelings, make them feel bad, make them feel insecure, and so on, you should apologize even if you think their reasoning is ridiculous.  If you resist apologizing because you disagree with their hurt feelings, the problem will just get worse.  If you grit your teeth and say “I’m sorry” you are doing one of the most healing things possible for your relationship.  In the book His Needs, Her Needs, the author talks about making “deposits” in your partner’s love bank.  Saying you’re sorry, whether you deep down mean it or not, will always make deposits in your partner’s love bank.  And the more deposits, the healthier your relationship.

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One Response to “Saying you’re sorry when you don’t want to”

  1. leighn3 Says:

    Yep, this is a good one! For some reason, without consciously deciding to do so or anything, I feel like I have done more of this in the last year w/ Alex. I used to really “dig in” if I didn’t agree with why he was upset, etc. but I just started to realize alot of what you said in how much easier/better it is if you sometimes just take “the high road!” Can’t we all just give Peace a chance?? 🙂

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