How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage

99.9 % of couples who marry never intend to cheat on their spouse.  I made up that statistic, I admit it.  But the point is, most of us would agree that we could NEVER see ourselves cheating (or being cheated on).  But we all know it can happen, although much less than the media portrays it.  Only a minority of men and women report ever having had other sex partners while they were married or cohabiting with a partner. Whether one considers older or younger generations, more than 90 percent of women and more than 75 percent of men say that they have always been faithful (Laumann et al. 1994).  Read more: http://family.jrank.org/pages/885/Infidelity-How-Common-Infidelity.html#ixzz0RhZjeSUp

So does the average couple avoid the slippery slope to infidelity?  Here are some good tips compiled by experts in the field found on foreverfamilies.net:

1) Prioritize Your Marriage

• Set aside time to spend with just your spouse.
• Consciously commit to putting your marriage first. That means your spouse comes before everything and everyone else-even your kids.
• Each day tell your spouse how important he or she is to you.
• Talk about your commitment to each other. What do you love about being married? Why do you want to stay together? When you’ve had hard times, how did you get through them?
• Write a “mission statement” for your marriage. Frame it and put it in your bedroom, where it will be a visual reminder of your commitment to each other. You might frame it with your marriage certificate.

2. Avoid Temptation

Experts are increasingly concerned about two temptation arenas: the workplace and the Internet. One recent study showed that 73 percent of men and 42 percent of women who have extramarital affairs meet their partners at work. Be extremely careful with workplace relationships.

• Don’t take lunch or coffee breaks with the same person all the time.
• When you travel with co-workers, meet in public rooms, not in a room with a bed.
• Meet in groups, if possible.
• Don’t drink and dance with co-workers at conferences or office parties.
• Avoid cordial kisses and hugs.
• Avoid frequent conversations about your personal life and feelings.

On-line relationships are also an increasing problem. To be safe you should avoid discussing emotional topics or personal problems over the Internet, avoid chat rooms and Internet sites designed for meeting people and socializing, and if necessary, limit your time on-line.

Remember that infidelity doesn’t always include sex. Emotional infidelity can breach marital trust and become as debilitating to your marriage as physical adultery. If you are sharing intimate emotional closeness with someone of the opposite sex other than your spouse in any arena, including the Internet, stop!

3. Know Your Boundaries

Experts say friendships with members of the opposite sex are possible and healthy if both parties know their boundaries. Together with your spouse, set guidelines for how each of you will behave around members of the opposite sex. For example, you may decide neither of you will dance with someone of the opposite sex. Make these guidelines an agreement you hold each other accountable for.  Instead of spending time alone with friends of the opposite sex, make friends with the person as a couple. Have him or her bring a partner and go to dinner with you and your spouse, for example, instead of going to lunch alone.

If you’re wondering whether you’ve overstepped any boundaries, Dr. Shirley Glass says three signs indicate that a friendship between people of the opposite sex has crossed the line into infidelity: (1) emotional intimacy, (2) sexual tension, and (3) secrecy. Also, ask yourself, “Do I say or do things with this person that I wouldn’t want my spouse to see or hear?” If so, it’s time to take a step back and re-draw your boundaries.

4. Get Through Rough Spots More Effectively

According to Dr. Carlfred Broderick, “Perhaps the most important single preventative of adultery is a developed and well-oiled mechanism for dealing with strain in the marriage.” It is crucial that you talk to your spouse about conflicts. Harboring resentment towards a spouse may lead you to seek sympathy from others, which opens you up to emotional attachments outside the marriage. Faithful marriage partners discuss their frustrations openly and honestly and try to reach fair compromises.

5. Rekindle Romance

Dr. Kevin Leman believes that “as a general rule, satisfied partners do not wander. . . . If marriage partners are getting enough attention, affection, and sexual fulfillment at home, they are not likely to stray into an affair.” This tends to be particularly true of women, who are more likely to have an affair because they feel unhappy or unfulfilled in their marriage than for any other reason.  Try to recapture gestures of romance and affection that used to come naturally during the early dating years.  Finally, to “affair-proof” your marriage, strengthen and deepen the bond between you and your spouse.  Spend time having meaningful conversations. Set aside a few minutes each day to talk with your spouse. Talk about what you did during the day, what you’ve been thinking about, what you’re feeling. Avoid discussing conflicts during this time.  Go out on a date with your spouse once a week and choose an activity you enjoy doing together, such as watching a movie, eating out, dancing, bowling. Consider the cost of a babysitter an investment in your marriage and family.  Finally, regularly attend church, synagogue, or mosque with your spouse. Nurturing your spirituality together can be a powerful way to increase your bond.

I don’t want to go to school!!

I’m not sure who is more stressed by a child’s refusal to go to school – the parent or the child.  With the families I have worked with who are going struggling with school refusal, the parents are a wreck: stressed, overwhelmed, hopeless, and emotional.  The kids are equally a mess: not only are they anxious or stressed about school, but they often feel guilty for being “bad” kids.  There are many reasons a child or teen might not want to go to school:

• Emotional – The child or teen struggles with separation anxiety and does not want to leave his or her parents.  Or the child might have a more generalized anxiety disorder or be depressed and not want to go to school.
• Behavioral – The child or teen has Oppositional Defiant Disorder or Conduct Disorder and refuses to go to school because it’s another way to assert his or her will power against the parents.
• Social – If a child is being picked on or bullied by his or her peers, or doesn’t fit in, he or she might not want to go to school because it’s a miserable place for them.  No one wants to be surrounded by teasing or ostracizing 7 hours a day.
• Educational – A child who has an undiagnosed attention problem or learning disability might dislike school because it’s a place where they feel dumb or feel frustrated because they are not keeping up.

So there is not a “one size fits all” strategy for school refusal or school avoidance.  The first step is to figure out WHY your child doesn’t want to go to school.  You may be able to play detective and figure this out by yourself.  Or you may need to bring your child to a child psychologist who can help determine what are the contributing factors.  It’s important to do a 360 degree analysis of your particular child to figure out what factors are contributing to school stress.  Since I most commonly deal with the anxiety piece in my practice, I will focus on strategies to help when the child is anxious about going to school.

Dr. Rachel Klein of the NYU Child Study Center has provided some good tips to share with parents about separation anxiety and school refusal:

• Do not deny the child’s anxiety or worries, but acknowledge them and reassure him/her. For example: “I know you’re worried I won’t be there to pick you up, but there’s no reason to worry. I’ll be there.”
• Try to find ways to enable the child to go to school. For example, a child is likely to feel reassured if times are set for him or her to call the mother from school. In extreme cases, mothers may stay with the child in school, but for a specified length of time which is gradually reduced.
• It is most important to tell the child exactly what s/he is to expect. There should be no “tricks” or surprises. For example, a child may be told that he should try to stay in school for only one hour, but after the hour he is encouraged or asked to stay longer either by the school or parent. This will backfire. The child will eventually refuse future arrangements for fear that they will be modified arbitrarily. Part of being anxious is anxiety about the unknown and the “what if?”.
• Punishment does not work, but kind, consistent, rational pressure and encouragement do.
• Do not quiz the child about why s/he feels scared. The child often does not know why. By not being able to provide an explanation, in addition to being anxious, the child feels guilty about not making sense of what is happening. Better to acknowledge that the fears make no sense and that the child has to fight them.
• Be open to hearing about how your child feels. However, lengthy discussions about the child’s problems are not always helpful and can be experienced as a burden by the child. The focus must always be that you want to help your child be free of worries and fears.
• A child’s reluctance to go to school can be irritating to parents. Expressing resentment and anger is counterproductive. And you won’t feel the urge to do so if you adopt specific strategies to assist your child.

Psychologists also recommend putting a small “transitional object” in your child’s pocket or backpack, such as a special treasure from their room to remind them of home.  The #1 tip for helping anxious kids get to school is this:

DO EVERYTHING YOU CAN TO GET YOUR CHILD TO SCHOOL.  EACH TIME YOU ALLOW YOUR CHILD TO MISS SCHOOL, THE MORE INTENSE THEIR ANXIETY BECOMES. Many times, with all of the best intentions, parents will feel sorry for their crying child and say “Okay, you can come home with me just this once.”  By helping your child avoid the stressful situation, it becomes even more anxiety provoking the next time.  So be a gentle, empathetic, loving, matter of fact parent who says, “You can do this, you are going to school today.  But I’ll see you again in just a few hours!”

More tips can be found in this article by the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry:

http://www.aacap.org/publications/factsfam/noschool.htm

Financial Stress: Taking care of yourself with “CASH”

The topic for Bob and the Showgram tomorrow is coping with financial stress.  I’ve created a helpful acronym to help people remember simple tips for combating anxiety and depression related to financial woes.

$$$$$                      C-A-S-H                    $$$$$

C- Communicate.  Many couples fight about money.  In fact, money and sex always rank as the top issues couples fight the most often about.  A common problem is someone is ashamed of his or her  spending habits or debt, so they lie, or disguise the truth, or deny reality.  One partner will cover up what’s going on or give half-truths when speaking about purchases or debt.  That leads to conflict because the other partner will be frustrated with the dishonesty on top of whatever financial mess they’re in.  It’s essential couples have regular, open discussions about their finances.  Even when both partners have a job and they’re not in crisis, it’s important to have regular discussions about financial goals, budgets, spending habits, and big financial decisions.

A – Alter your thoughts.  Your thoughts control your mood.  If you think, “Oh no.  This is the worst financial crisis ever, we’ll never recover” guess what emotion you’ll feel?  Anxiety or  depression.  But if you alter that thought to “Well, times are difficult now.  But I’m doing the best I can to control what I can control.  I know it will eventually get better, I just need to hang on the best I can,”  that’s a lot healthier message and you’ll feel better.  You don’t want to give yourself a Pollyanna “Life is perfect” message, but focus on the positive and focus on what you CAN control.

S – Set priorities.  You need to take care of yourself in order to care for your kids and family.  Make sure you still get good sleep, eat well, exercise, and try relaxation strategies to make sure you’re managing stress well and not letting it spiral out of control.  Stress, anxiety, and depression can lead to poor financial decisions which can lead to a vicious cycle of getting further in debt and feeling worse.  So take care of yourself.  If you need to see a psychologist or counselor to provide additional support or help you beat anxiety or depression, take care of yourself in that way too.

H – Hike, Hug, or get  a Haircut.  In other words, Distract Yourself!  Turn off the news, quit watching the stock market, quick checking your bank balance.  Do something else.  Have fun.  Do something you CAN afford – go on a picnic, see a cheap movie, eat at Taco Bell, go to a park, visit a bookstore and read all their stuff for FREE, or give your loved one a massage (and then ask for one in return).

Protecting your Marriage: Sealing all of the exit doors

The most recent topic on my G105 appearance was about living together before marriage.  This Monday will be about having sex before marriage.  As I said last week, the research is clear on living together before marriage: couples are almost twice as likely to divorce if they lived together before marriage than those that didn’t.  There are many theories as to why this is – but the general consensus is if you live together before marriage you are more like a “rental agreement.”  This means that when you’re just living together it is technically a shorter term commitment and if either party is dissatisfied, the “agreement” can be broken without much penalties (Yes of course you’ll still be upset and you may have to divide up your stuff or figure out who gets custody of a pet – but it’s a break up, not a divorce).  The problem is, once married, you no longer have exit doors that are available all over the place.  In fact, there should be no exit doors because marriage is supposed to be forever.  One idea for why couples who lived together first are at a higher risk for divorce is that they still see the exit doors even when they shouldn’t be there.  So does this mean your marriage is doomed if you lived together first?  No.  Does it mean you might have to fight harder to make your marriage last?  Yes.

Here are some tips for all couples to strengthen your marriage and seal off all exit doors:

• Focus on your spouse’s needs – it’s so hard to let go of the selfish idea that “I want to be happy so he (or she) should make ME happy.  Try to do whatever you can to meet your spouse’s needs and in turn, they’ll be motivated to meet yours.
• Don’t threaten divorce or breakups as a way to scare your spouse.  Don’t think to yourself “I can always leave if things don’t get better.”  If you even have the hint that exit doors are an option, you may be drawn to them without even meaning to.  Tell yourself “divorce is not an option.”  We will figure out how to make this work.
• Don’t be afraid to try marriage counseling.  EVERY relationship would benefit from couple’s counseling at some point.  Going to see a marriage counselor is like taking your car to get an oil change.  Sure, you could skip the oil change and try to keep driving.  But eventually, the car would start to display small problems, and eventually it would stop working (or blow up).  A trained psychologist can provide a neutral point of view and help each of you see what you are contributing to the problem.
• Assume the best about your partner.  At some point in relationships, couples get into a rut where they have had the same fight so many times that they assume their partner is criticizing them, being negative, being dishonest, not caring enough….etc. etc. etc.  You have to wipe the slate clean and tell yourself, “My partner loves and cares about me.  Let me really try to hear what he or she is saying and stop assuming he or she is out to get me.”
• Finally, like I said last week on G105, at some point in every relationship, the ooey gooey “I’m in love” feelings fade.  (Bummer huh?)  When they do, what you’re left with is the choice to love this person for the rest of your life.  You wake up every morning and say to yourself, “I will choose to love my spouse today “warts” and all.  I will not try to change him (her) or fix him (her).  I will love him (her) every day for the rest of my life.”

No doubt marriage is hard work.  But it also has so much potential to be rewarding and fulfilling over time if you focus on enhancing the relationship day by day.

Dealing with your out of control teenager

I will be on G105’s Bob and the Showgram Monday Aug. 3rd morning talking about this topic. So I thought I’d go ahead and post some tips about dealing with teens. There is no doubt teens can be difficult. Many parents might debate which years are rougher – toddler or teen. In many ways, there is a lot of overlap. Toddlers and teens are both very egocentric (it’s developmentally appropriate, but that doesn’t make them any more fun to live with), both are asserting their independence, both need a lot of sleep, both are strong-willed and stubborn…however, both stages can also be very bonding years for parents and kids if you follow some helpful tips [these are a compilation of helpful tips out there in the online world]:
1) One way to deal with stubborn teenagers is to listen very carefully – most parents are not aware of it, but stubborn teenagers can actually result from stubborn parents. After puberty, most kids think they are already adults ready to face the world; luckily, parents are wise enough to know that this is not true. However, parents may think too little of their teens to a point that they still treat them as kids whose ideas are just kid stuff.

2) Listen to what they say first before saying what you think. Oftentimes, parents just stubbornly and automatically deflect anything their teens have to say, this in turn makes the teenager just act like their stubborn parents and become stubborn teenagers.

3) When teenagers give their perspective, acknowledge it even if you do not agree. It is important for teenagers to know that you have heard their opinion on things. But you do not necessarily have to follow it or agree with it, after all, in most cases, your teen may just be asking for your advice or if you have other ideas in mind. After acknowledging your teen’s idea it is then you can say what you think should be.

4) Imagine yourself in your teenager’s shoes. You were also a teenager years or decades ago and you should know how difficult such times were. But do not dwell too much on your own experiences because your teen is probably facing different challenges in life. A lot of parents say things like “I know better because I have been there” in hopes of preventing their children from doing something. But that is actually an invitation for the child to be even more curious of such circumstances.

5) Another way to deal with teenagers is to avoid making use of labels when talking to your child, especially during arguments. Labels might sound meaningless when you blurt them out, but they can easily get into your teenager’s mind whether the label is positive or negative. It is important to allow your teenager to let him or her self be without labels being attached. Otherwise, stubbornness might stem from your teenager’s effort to veer away from the labels.

6) Try to avoid debating with your child about matters of opinion. Even if debates occur to convince a party of your opinion, what it actually does is to strengthen the other party’s hold on their opinion as both of you create reasons for believing your stand. In this case it is better to show why your opinion might be better and allow your teenager to see for himself or herself what makes you think you are right.
7. Follow through! “You are grounded!” “That’s it; no allowance this week!” Most parents have no problem creating punishments for breaking the rules. It’s what happens a few days or so later that creates the cycle of defiance: your teen drives you nuts until you back down on the consequence. If you set rules, it is important to make clear in advance the consequences for breaking that rule. If that rule is broken, if you do not enforce the consequences you set, your teen has just learned that getting away with breaking the rules is really a piece of cake.
8. Don’t give up on family time. Research has shown that eating dinner together as a family has been linked to better grades, lowered risk for drinking/drug use by teens, and fewer emotional problems. So aim to eat dinner together at least a few times a week, have a family movie night, ask your teen to go shoot hoops or go for a walk with the dog, or just make yourself available to hang out.
9. Don’t give up. Face it: your teen is going to test your resolve. They are going to test it once, twice, and again. Some teens will look for that crack in the armor to appear and test every time they see it. Teens are smart. They know if you are tired and frustrated, and they often have an uncanny ability to test you just when you are least likely to have the energy to resist. Don’t give up. Be consistent.
10) Discuss rather than lecture.Treating teens like little children only alienates them. Try to keep communication lines open by negotiating, compromising, and listening to your teen.

WRAL News story on inappropriate teacher-student relationships

I recently did an interview with WRAL news about the increasing number of inappropriate sexual relationships between teachers and students. In this area in particular, there was a recent incident with a female teacher at a Durham elementary school and a 10 year old student. The link to story on WRAL news with my interview is:
http://www.wral.com/news/local/video/5383756/
Helpful tips for parents:
1) Have constant communication with your kids about their day at school, their teachers, appropriate boundaries with teachers, etc.
2) Be wary if a teacher is paying excessive attention to your child and look into it. It’s better to err on the side of caution than to be sorry.
3) Watch out for relationships between your child and a teacher in which there seems to be an element of secrecy or exclusivity (the teacher doesn’t want other students or parents involved in the interactions)
4) Monitor your child’s electronic world – occasionally check their emails, IM’s, text messages, etc. Don’t give them carte blanche with these technological devices.
5) Follow your gut instinct – if the way your child talks about a teacher (or other trusted adult) or interactions between your child and a teacher make you uncomfortable, INVESTIGATE!

Good Night, Sleep Tight….

I thought I’d write about sleep and kids/teens because I seem to talk about this with clients ALL THE TIME!
It doesn’t matter if I’m talking to a parent of a hyper 4 year old, or to a headstrong 16 year old….sleep problems are one of the most common issues I deal with. This might sound strange, since sleep is not technically a psychological issue. However, as I often say, sleep is the foundation of mental health. If you are not sleeping well, you are going to have mood problems (depressed, irritable), energy problems, memory and concentration problems, motivation problems, and the list goes on. So what are some universal sleep tips that help little ones to adults? Try the following:

1. It is essential you follow the “no screen time an hour before bed” rule. This means no t.v., computer, video game, cell phone texting, etc before bed. Studies show the light from these screens suppress melatonin which is the hormone that makes us sleepy.
2. Instead of screens, take a bath or shower, read a book, listen to quiet music, meditate or pray before bed. These activities will quiet your mind and help you relax.
3. Don’t let yourself or your child get a “second wind.” Sometimes parents get tricked and think their child isn’t ready for bed because they are alert, energetic, or even hyper. But keep in mind, when a child or teen becomes over-tired, the body releases a burst of adrenaline – sort of a last ditch effort to wake their bodies up. But when a child or teen gets that energy shot, it’s like giving them a double espresso and then expecting them to go to bed. Not going to happen. Put them to bed before they get exhausted.
4. Establish a reasonable bedtime and then follow it as much as you can. If you follow the same routine with children every night – bath, books, snuggles, bed – their bodies will become accustomed to the routine and be ready to pass out when you tuck them in.
5. Try not to lay with your child until he/she falls asleep. Snuggles and cuddles are great, but limit to 5 – 10 minutes. If you become your child’s sleep aid now, they will have difficulty establishing healthy sleep habits later on. It’s important they learn to fall asleep on their own. Younger children might be comforted by having loveys, blankets, or a parent’s shirt. Teens might like noise machines that play soothing sounds or quiet music playing as they fall asleep.

For Teens in particular: [Many parents don't realize teens need as much sleep as younger children. Some say they need as much sleep as toddlers.] The following tips are for teens:

1. Your teenager should be educated on the effect of caffeine on sleep. Sleepy teenagers often use coffee or coke to get them through the day without falling asleep. Caffeine has its uses and if it helps your teenager wake up in the morning a cup of coffee is OK. But caffeine can linger in the body for several hours after consumption. A good rule of thumb for teenagers is to stick to decaffeinated drinks after lunchtime.
2. A cruel irony is that there is a natural shift in the biological clock during the teen years, which means that teenagers are sleepy in the morning and alert at night. This makes it really difficult for them to fall asleep at night and wake up early for school. So it’s even more critical that teens establish good sleep hygiene habits and follow them as much as possible.
3. No after school naps – it’ll make it impossible to fall asleep at night. If you have to take a 20 minute power nap, set your alarm and limit it to 20 minutes only.
4. Teenagers sleep better if their bedroom is cool and dark. Getting to sleep is associated with a body temperature drop and a cool bedroom is conducive to sleep.

It seems like from the time a baby is born, issues of sleep plague parents. “My baby wakes up all night, my toddler comes out of his room all night long, my 8 year old keeps wandering into our bed in the middle of the night, our 13 year old can’t fall asleep until 1:00 in the morning…….”

The best we can do as parents is try to educate our children and teens about healthy sleep habits, the same way we educate them about the four food groups. So go give your child a warm glass of milk, read a story or two, tuck them in, and pray for a good night’s sleep. [If that doesn't work, you can always turn up the volume on American Idol in your room so you will be blissfully ignorant if they are still awake]. (-:

Podcast on apologizing to your spouse

I sometimes record podcasts for the website: stayhappilymarried.com
It’s a great website with lots of resources for improving your marriage. The next to last one I did on apologizing to your spouse was their most popular episode ever so far. So check out their website and the podcast at: http://stayhappilymarried.com/2009/03/16/im-sorry-really-im-sorry/

To test or not to test…..should I test my child for early entry to kindergarten?

Spring is almost here and so is the season of “kindergarten readiness testing.” As a child psychologist practicing in Durham NC, I start getting phone calls early each year from parents wanting more information about early entry to kindergarten. This year, because North Carolina has changed its cutoff date guidelines and moved the deadline by which a child must turn five to August 31, my phone has been ringing off the hook. Many parents with September/early October babies always assumed their child would start kindergarten in the Fall of 2009. Now they realize, “Oh no, now my kid can’t go to kindergarten!?” “Oh wait, he can, but he has to get tested! What kind of test!?” Enter the stressed out phase for many parents. There are of course parents who say, “Oh well, he’ll just stay in preschool another year.” But others may want to do whatever it takes to get their child into kindergarten this year. Most parents seem to fall somewhere in the middle. Many have mixed feelings on the subject and a lot of questions. “Should I go through this kindergarten evaluation process to see if my child qualifies for early entry?” “Is it helpful to try to send my child, does it really matter?” “I’ve heard my child has to be a genius to get in, so what’s the point?” This article is for you parents who need some guidance in sorting this out. As a child psychologist who does this testing every year, as well as talk to dozens of parents about this issue, I’m going to help you sort through the myths, rumors, and “helpful” suggestions from friends and family. First, let’s start with the pros and cons of early entry.

The advantages of starting your child in kindergarten “early” are often:

• Providing the challenging and enriching curriculum for which a child is ready. If a child is bright and ready for the next stage of learning, it is important to provide that challenging environment at the right time.

• Hitting the “window” for a child’s excitement and readiness. Many times a child who will be turning five in September or October has been anticipating going to kindergarten at age 5. Many of his peers are going to kindergarten this year and it’s helpful to enroll a child when he is excited and ready to go to “big school.”

• Financial – no more paying for expensive daycare and preschool.

• Time – Your child would be taken care of for 6-7 hours a day now leaving more time for parents to work, focus on other siblings, clean the house, get coffee…you get the idea.

The disadvantages of starting your child “early” in kindergarten may be:

• If the child is immature emotionally, socially, or behaviorally, you may be setting your child up for failure or frustration. If your child has demonstrated in preschool or daycare, he is not able to sit and attend to a lesson, get along well with peers, or transition easily from one activity to the next, he may be put in a situation for which he is not ready, and it may set his entire educational experience off to a negative start. (Let alone this child will cause problems for the teacher and the other students who have to deal with his behavior.)

• If the child is not ready academically, again, she will be set up for a very frustrating year. If she is consistently requiring extra attention from the teachers because she does not understand the material, she is likely to develop a negative attitude towards school.

• If for whatever reason, your child is not developmentally ready for kindergarten, you may see other behavioral or emotional problems pop up (i.e., your child acts out because he is not ready for the structure and expectations of kindergarten.)

Early entry to kindergarten is equivalent to a child skipping a grade. Although there is no perfect list of criteria to know whether your child is ready for kindergarten, you want to see that your child:

• Knows her ABC’s and numbers at least 1 – 10. Even better if she can sound out some simple words or recognize some sight words. Also better if she has shown applied math skills (i.e., she has four blocks and you say, “If I gave you two more blocks, how many would you have?” She says, “six.”)

• Has demonstrated the ability to sit for periods of time in a structured setting and attend to a “lesson.”

• Can handle separations from mom and dad well.

• Is able to play well with peers. It’s still normal for children to squabble over toys or fight, but you want to see your child playing well much of the time.

• Has demonstrated the ability to respect adult authority figures (other than you) by following directions and instructions.

• Can handle transitions during the day from one activity to the next.

• Is mature enough to be able to function comfortably with approximately 23 older children throughout a 6-7 hour day.

Finally, if you have carefully weighed the pros and cons of early kindergarten entry, thought about your child’s readiness, and feel your child would benefit from going through the early entry process, here is what to expect. The counties in North Carolina require a “portfolio” that includes samples of the child’s work, letters of recommendation, etc. as well as the testing scores from an IQ and achievement test. The child must score at the 98th percentile or higher on the IQ test and at the 98th percentile or higher in reading or math on the achievement test. One of the great ironies of the early entry process is that your child is required to test at a higher level than most of his peers who simply start kindergarten because their birthdays were a few weeks/months earlier. Again, if your child seems ready emotionally, socially, and behaviorally, and has demonstrated above average academic abilities, you probably want to go through with the kindergarten testing. The good news is this testing is fun for the child. He has no clue how important it is and how you will be holding your breath until you get the results. Most of the kids who test with me leave my office asking, “When do I get to go back again?” The kindergarten testing itself typically takes a total of 2-3 hours, and is usually given on two different days, unless the child’s attention span and activity level allow for a longer session in which both tests are given (with a short break in between). The testing has to occur after April 16th each year.  Each county has more information on their websites.

Bottom line: kindergarten is a milestone in your child’s life (and yours). Spend some time reading and researching this process, and then do what you think is best for your little one.

High energy or AD/HD?

Many parents struggle with trying to figure out if their child has AD/HD or if he is just “high energy.”  This is an important distinction and it is sometimes hard for the non-professional to tell the difference.  Let me turn the spotlight on myself to help answer this question.  I am someone who is clearly “high energy.”  I talk fast, I talk loud, I walk fast, I tap my toe and shake my leg when I am sitting down, I can multi-task with the best, and I have been known to chase my kids/jump on the trampoline/dance with my kids until they run out of energy.  But….

this great energy doesn’t interfere with my functioning in any way.  I sat through LONG lectures in college and grad school just fine, read hundreds and thousands of pages of articles and text books in school just fine, I can sit in church or through a therapy session or through a testing session just fine.  In other words, I function just fine.  AD/HD by it’s very nature is a chronic disorder which interferes with someone’s academic, occupational, or home functioning.  When we are talking about children with AD/HD, we are looking for a child who is

• having significant difficulty focusing or paying attention in school
• who cannot sit still in class long enough to get through a lesson
• who cannot sit still at the dinner table because he keeps getting up and down
• who talks excessively and often interrupts
• who is “on the go” or acts like he is “driven by a motor”
• is easily distracted and has trouble waiting his turn
• fidgets or squirms frequently

If a child is energetic, silly, and likes to run and play, but he can sit in class when the teacher is talking, he probably doesn’t have AD/HD.  If a child is loud and loves to talk, but she can stop talking when she needs to at home and school, she probably doesn’t have AD/HD.  And of course, if we are talking about a two or three year old, it’s developmentally appropriate for a child that age to be hyper and have trouble sitting still, so we wouldn’t diagnose a little one with AD/HD either.  If you have more questions about diagnosing AD/HD, there are some great websites and books out there.  I’d start with the following:

• www.CHADD.org  and http://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/adhd/symptom.htm
• Taking Charge of ADHD: The Complete Authoritative Guide for Parents by Russell A. Barkley, Ph.D.
• Power Parenting for Children With ADD/ADHD : A Practical Parent’s Guide for Managing Difficult Behaviors by Grad L. Flick, Ph.D., Harvey C. Parker, Ph.D.
• Parenting Children with ADHD: 10 Lessons That Medicine Cannot Teach by Vincent J. Monastra
• Teenagers with ADD and ADHD: A Guide for Parents and Professionals by Chris Dendy
• ADHD and Teens by Colleen Alexander-Roberts